Welcome to Facebook! Let me be the first to congratulate you. My name is Blake, and I am one of the addicts of this social network. Let me give you a run down on what you are about to experience:
At first, you will be timid of it, that is perfectly normal, and it may seem a bit confusing at first, too. After a while, you will become so adapt to it, but never seem to become accustomed and accepting of all of its ridiculous changes.
When you enter the profile screen, as well as those of your friends, you will first notice their picture. It is either of a car, a typical cellphone picture of them in a mirror, them with a bunch of hooligans, their kid(s), or a picture of whatever they feel like found on Google Images. I must say, that it is quite fun with the mirror photos, because you can see how dirty their mirror is (they probably lick it on a daily basis), and how messy the bedroom or bathroom they’re in is.
Next, you will see the information about them at the top of the screen and see how dumb and “creative” people are with what they put there. Just below it, you will see five most recent photos that person was tagged in, or a lovely profile banner, usually of Justin Bieber/love & just plain crap.
If you would like to creep into their lives just a tad, you can click on info on the left-hand side. There, you will once again see just how idiotic people are in their attempts to be funny, or for those who actually use it maturely, you will see the run down of who they are and what they’re about.
Just below, you will see Photos. By clicking this, you will unlock the door to their world. For kids and young adults, it is most likely them partying, thinking they are cool with a blunt in one hand, and alcohol in the other, even though they are most likely 14-18ish. You may also see these “hipsters” planking, owling, and of horseman photos, because kids have nothing else to do with their time. If the majority of your friends are well into adulthood, you will see a plethora of photos of their kids, and none of themselves.
The home page allows you to follow what everyone is doing, and now even more so with the new, creeptastic update section above your list of friends on the right-hand side of your screen. You will see every status, comment, like, articles they’re reading, music they’re listening to, and I’m guessing the next feature will be of everyone’s bowls movements, because there’s nothing left to track. I’ll get more in depth with the home page…
Statuses – There no longer is a need for the news, everything big in the world is featured 500 times on your homepage via friends’ statuses. Examples: It is really hot outside, you bet your bottom dollar every single person will feature a status of it. What!? It’s snowing?? Hmm, must be, a good 50 people made their status about such an event…in OCTOBER! :O oh boy! Today is 11/10/2011, and tomorrow is 11/11/2011. I bet $111111111111 that 111111111111 people will make their status tomorrow that it is 11/11/2011 and is 11:11:11 o’clock. Not once! but TWICE since it will occur twice! Heck you’ll see it way more than that because of all of the time zones in the world! Oh boy!….Other than current events outside of one’s life, they will take you into theirs. Everyday you will log onto FB and see that all of your friends are going to class, going to work, and how much they love their “hubby” (because teenagers think that their boyfriends are hubbys, too dumb to know that it is a nickname for husband). People will even go further and tell you every single step in between. Example: Just woke up, and it’s way to early to be awake. Going to shower, eat breakfast, and walk across campus in this damn cold and snow to get to class. Nap after, then watching Twilight while cuddling up to my boo/hubby. Going to sleep after…Then guess what?! They will make that status again the next day, except maybe they’ll watch Jersey Shore instead!
Basically, you get to express to everyone that you “like” something by “liking it” on FB and can even join groups, have discussions, and so on. It is quite useful in the sense that you can explore a page and read posts by others if you are interested in a product, and want real reviews by real people. That’s about it.
Okay, so this feature is for you to let everyone know exactly where you are, at what time, and who with. Yes, because it’s so safe and definitely will not lead to some bad outcomes. There’s not much to know about this glorious feature. (Yes sarcasm <—that way)
So there you have it! That is the basic rundown on Facebook and what you will see. Enjoy countless hours of procrastination and staring blankly at the screen as if something interesting is about to happen. You never know, maybe one time something will!!! Keep trying!